Working on speculation, or spec as they say in the biz, is a shorthand way of saying that no one actually needs me or cares if I exist.
When I write a book, it starts with a sketch dummy that I create without anyone having asked for it. I have no idea if someone is going to like it or want to publish it. It’s just me, alone at my desk, sweating the details, hoping that it, and I, will eventually find approval and acceptance.
This would be difficult for anyone, but it’s one of those things that I’ve recreated from my life that is also painfully familiar.
Working under contract has its own pressures, but at least I know that someone, somewhere has some interest in what I’m doing. Writing on spec offers no such reassurance.
When I speak publically, which I have done an amazing job of avoiding, I find it excruciating unless it’s Q&A. No matter what the question may be, it’s so much easier for me to speak knowing that at least one person wants to hear what I have to say. But that’s one more person than I have when I write.
I’ve spent years working on full-length book proposals that I’ve never sold, and that no one has ever heard of. All of the time I spent on them, along with the sandwiches, electrical current, and hot showers that I consumed during that time, has produced nothing of value to other people. This hasn’t served to fill me with an overwhelming sense of value and affirmation.
This kind of work is probably not the best choice for someone like me who has far more doubts than confidence. And who factors utility consumption into the balance sheet of personal worth. It’s a head-scratcher why someone with no baseline of self-worth and inherent value would choose to live like this.
But until I can figure out something else to do that might give me a better sense that I exist and matter, at least it is good to take a breath and reflect, expect, and accept the soul-wrecking trials of working on spec.
If you liked this, you might also like this piece describing why I keep writing even though it’s so excruciating. Subscribe to an infrequent newsletterhere. Or visit me at my site.
All comics ©2021 by David Milgrim
Just trying to feel okay, one comic at a time