Solving The Social Problem

It may be less complicated than it seems

I just realized, through the tears of my last therapy session, how life-changingly large it was that I never made the social transition from my elementary class of 20 to my middle school class of 500. I went from being seen, known, and looked after to being unknown, even to myself. I didn’t know how to make friends who didn’t come from proximity and a lack of choice. In the big pond, suddenly, I didn’t know how to swim.

As this awareness dawned on me emotionally, I knew I was on the right track because it had always been so clearly in plain sight, where I’ve learned that unrecognized emotional truths love to hide.

I assumed that I didn’t know how to make friends, but I soon arrived at a more likely explanation. I was too afraid to. Whatever happened growing up, my takeaway was that people can hurt me deeply. At any instant, it can all turn.

I can see that I’m different, and am even learning how so. And sure, my brain’s greatest aptitude isn’t social. But I expect neither of these things is as big a factor as my fear. A showstopping fear that was amalgamated in my earliest years and solidified in junior high, and has remained the same ever since.

Throughout my life, as I’ve tried and tried to connect, I’ve been pushing away at the same time. Often, by not going out at all, but also by ducking and dodging the moments that bring people together.

As I am coming to know myself emotionally, I can increasingly see all kinds of things that were always there. It’s crazy how well defenses can blind us to the obvious. And now that I’m starting to feel my way through what I’ve always known, it will be interesting to see how the equation simplifies.

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Here are two other recent posts on connection here and here.